Happy end of February, peepers! To say that it has been a long month in my world is an understatement. With things in a little bit of a disarray, I am forging full steam ahead into the month of March and the madness that it brings.

Madness? Like as in college basketball? She likes basketball? Since when?

No. I’m not talking basketball. I’m talking the March Madness that overtakes my house as my little gooses come trailing home for an extended break. Bringing with them tired faces, stressed out bodies from too many late nights. A plethora of last minute college visits. Healing from surgeries and sprains. Stresses that have taken over their bodies, leaving them limping home in need of a little respite from this journey called life. And what better place to get that recharge of batteries than home.

And laundry. Loads upon loads of laundry.

And demands. And ‘I needs’. And ‘I don’t want this for dinner’. And ‘where are the batteries’. Dishes left in the sink or in the living room. Piles and piles of clothes left in the bathroom and in hot spots around the house. My grocery bill will destroy our budget, there will be more eye rolls than thank you’s, I will hide the frustrations from my Rob because I don’t need to poke that bear, pour gasoline on the fire. We will be getting back into the swing of spring sports, rehabbing our injuries and celebrating a college decision. I will be expected to be ‘on’ 24/7 in order for them to shut down - to 'turn off' for a couple of weeks. There will be a complete and total disregard for my time, my schedule, my life for most of the month of March as their lives and their schedules and their time will become of paramount importance.

Joy.

Raising kids is hard. Hardest job I’ve ever had in my entire life. Even harder in today’s social frenetic times then when we were kids and life was so incredibly simple. And my kids are far from perfect. Read above. They are inherently selfish, self-absorbed and place incredible importance on keeping their streaks alive. They swear (a lot), they insult each other, they have a significant intolerance for mediocrity. And they are kind. Compassionate. Loving. Loyal. Hard-working. Animal lovers. Devoted. And 9/10 times, they choose doing the right thing over doing the easy thing.

So this guide is a little tongue in cheek. I don’t have the answers, in fact - just ask my kids. They’ll be all too happy to tell you that I am the worst at Jeopardy. But I can tell you what we did do - right or wrong. For all the parents out there that get out of bed every day and simply pray that today is a good day, let me do a good job, that are trying their best to raise good kids - this one, my darlings…this one is for you.

10 Tips for Raising Good Kids

We are pretty old school, not what I would consider progressive. Not that there is anything wrong with either. But I would definitely say that we took a more old-fashioned approach to raising our kids. Here are probably my top 10 tips for getting the job done. Plus lots and lots of alcohol along the way.

1. Respect your elders.

My children were taught from a very young age that whether or not you liked the adult, you will respect them. They have years upon years of life experience on you and that in and of itself is worthy of your respect.

2. Treat everyone the same.

This became of greater impact when my children went away to boarding school. That private school environment is different from where they were coming from. That’s simply a fact. But people are people. And the grounds crew, the kitchen staff, the Headmaster, the professors and teachers - they all deserve equal respect. A title is nothing other than letters strung together and all of them put their pants on the same way in the morning. Don’t treat one any differently than the other.

3. Eye contact and hand shaking - become proficient at both.

I love to see this more than what they realize. There is nothing more respectful than rising up and shaking someone’s hand while looking them in the eye. Nothing more respect garnering than approaching someone and shaking their hand when you greet them.

4. Do unto others as you would have done to you.

Such an ancient idea but such solid advice. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. That does NOT mean that because you extend kindness that it will be extended back. But it does give you the satisfaction of knowing that you upheld your own values.

5. Be a man or woman of your word.

If you give your word to someone - you keep it. Period. Because once you lose that trust, become someone that people don’t believe, it takes three times as long to build that trust back.

6. The words I love you are special - use them appropriately.

Tell the people that you love that you love them. Don’t leave the house without saying I love you to your parents. Let your siblings know that you love them. They are not words that you say when you’ve been dating someone for 12 hours, 12 days, really even 12 weeks. The words are special and you should use them often and sparingly. Learn the difference.

7. You are the company that you keep.

Surround yourself with people that reflect what you want to be perceived as, that have qualities that you admire. And know that there is such a thing as ‘guilt by association’. The company that you keep is a reflection of you as a person - make sure that reflection is one that you want to see in the mirror every day.

8. If something feels wrong - it’s wrong.

Don’t second guess that feeling from your gut that is telling you ‘Hey Dopey - this might not be a great idea.’ Listen to it and adjust your actions accordingly because rarely is your gut instinct wrong.

9. You are not the most important person in the room.

Do not ever conduct yourself as if you are the most important person in the room. You’re not. Most of the people in the room don’t care. Because they are too busy thinking they are the most important person. Get over yourself. You may be special to mom and dad but to the rest of the word, you’re just another some body. And that’s perfectly fine.

10. Be humble always.

Good things that happen in your life are a gift. Maybe a gift of hard work and effort. Maybe a gift that fell into your lap at the right place and the right time. Whatever good fortune, great success, accolades come your way - conduct yourself with some grace and humility always.

Do’s and Don’ts

As I mentioned, there are some things we did right and some things we did not so right. And really parenthood is not so much about the things we did right but more so about what we learned from the not-so-right. We didn’t follow these to a T but I can promise you that we tried.

Do be accountable.

If I could stress any one ‘do’ for parents - this would be it. Accountability is key. Countless times my children have had to be accountable for their actions with Rob and I knowing that the outcome for them was going to be shaming. Embarrassing for Rob and I. But they don’t get anywhere in life if we cover for them, fail to make them accountable for their actions.

Don’t hide behind your screen.

We have told our kids from day one - you don’t write, snap, tweet, etc. anything that you aren’t willing to say to someone’s face. Period. Because if you do and you’re called to the carpet on it - you will be owning it. And, as most kids do, none of them listened. And at some point in time, they all were called to the carpet on something sent in a chat, a text, etc. And all it took was that one time. You can’t be a hero by being a coward behind your screen.

Do forgive.

People mess up. You mess up. Friends make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes you’re wrongfully accused, treated in a way that isn’t fair, overlooked. Forgive where you can. There is no great guidebook for this journey of life and if the offense is forgivable - then do so and move forward. Because trust me, my little goosey, there are things others are forgiving you for.

Don’t play the blame game.

Own it. Don’t blame others for your misfortune whether or not they were responsible. Accept circumstances for what they are and don’t place blame and make others the fall guy. A bad call from the ref. Oh well. A teacher that maybe doesn’t care for your style of writing. Stinks but what can you do. A friend that dared you to take the drink or else. Happens. Blaming doesn’t solve the problem.

Do invest in yourself.

You are your greatest asset. You want a coach to notice you that isn’t noticing you? Work harder and give them no choice. You want to be seen as a captain? Show leadership off the court as well as on. You want the starring role? Rehearse the lines an hour longer each night. Take the time to invest in yourself to get what you want out of your life - because no one else will care as much as you do.

Don’t look at failure as something negative.

There is nothing that leads more people to being great than failure. You don’t learn from being number one day after day. You learn when your body is weary, when you got the C instead of the A, when you are passed over for the promotion…and you choose to drag your sorry carcass to the gym another day. When you get tutoring after school. When you take on the work that no one else wants to do. The success is not in the achievement - the success is in the 10,000 times you got back up to try again.

Do give back.

Give back every chance you can. Help a friend, a community. Extend a hand, a meal, a smile. The world is cold and harsh and there are people that are going through things, living a life that you couldn’t even fathom. Give back to others whenever possible and do so expecting nothing in return.

Don’t talk about yourself.

Honestly - most people don’t care. They have their own achievements and successes they want to talk about and most don’t want to hear about yours. If you’re asked, then fine. Go ahead and contribute to the conversation with some humility. But otherwise go about living your life to the best of your ability achieving great things quietly and without need of fanfare. Because that is how you were raised.

Great Gooses - My Farm

This past Christmas we knew my dad was dying. We didn’t know how long he had - the doctor’s thought months when in actuality he had 16 days. Christmas gifts for him were returned for obvious reasons. Instead, we wrote him letters. My brother and his family and Rob and I and our children. My brother presented them to my dad on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day, my dad read them one at a time, passing them to my mom to read after, crying through each and every one of them. Said he’d never felt so loved in all his life.

In Rob’s letter to my dad, his father-in-law, he wrote the following…

“As our kids grow older and move on to the next chapter of their lives, Hallie and I talk and wonder if we have done right by them. Did we show them enough love? Teach them to be strong and self-sufficient? Men and women of honor and integrity? The hard part is the not knowing. I think that each day you do the best you can and hope that in the end, all the little things add up to valuable lessons. I want you to know that you don’t have to wonder or say, “Did I do a good job?” You did it right. You have raised loving, honest children and allowed them to mature into great people. Quality people. You can look in the mirror and think, “I did a good job. I raised great kids.” This is really the best any of us can hope for. To pass on our lessons, hard learned that they have been, to the next generation. Well done, my friend. Well done.”

Let that marinate. Resonate.

Kids are going to mess up. Make mistakes. Shame themselves. Embarrass their parents. Make us so proud. Be epic failures and great successes. Make us wonder how we went wrong and then humble us, making us shake our heads and wonder how we got it so right.

I don’t have the answers. And this ‘guide’ - yeah, it’s a little old fashioned and not very modern or forward thinking. A little hard. I acknowledge that readily and with open arms.

My Lex is on the verge of turning 20 in a couple of months and has been told that come May 1, 2019 her bills are her own. Car insurance. Student loan payment. Cell phone. She will be working two to three jobs this summer, hustling in order to not only earn enough money to pay her bills for the year but to also be able to take a car back to school with her, afford it and have spending money. Let’s just say that she is less than thrilled and I’m probably in for a long summer. But that’s called adulting and we are doing her no favors by footing the bill. And she is going to soar.

And my CJ - he sacrificed four years of having a social life and immersed himself in the grind. Was told 'no', 'you’re not good enough' for most of his life. Failure could be his middle name. So he worked harder. The grind became his closest friend. Strength training. Speed and agility training. Tutoring. Shoveling in calories like it was a job to gain weight. Has a 4.0 GPA, is a two sport varsity captain and is being recruited to play football in college. The kid can send me over the edge faster than anyone I know, make my head want to explode with frustration. And he is going to do great things.

My little gooser, Jackson, he’s coming into his own. A small fish in a big pond, he chose to charter a course all on his own, making new footprints, being introduced to the grind. To failing. That academics matter as much as athletics and that he has some work to do - in the classroom and on the field. And he’s hungry. And it is going to change him and I just pray it changes him not too much, knowing that it is going to change him completely. This next year is going to present the biggest challenges he’s faced yet and he will face it head on, smiling, making a positive impact on everyone around him. Because that’s what Jackson does.

They are far from perfect. Like Shrek Far Far Away Land not perfect. But they are great kids with good values. Loyal friends. Leaders. Contributors. Men and women of honor. Quality people.

As parents we do the best we can to raise good kids. And with today’s societal pressures I think that we lose track of the basics. Respect. Integrity. Accountability. Kindness. Humility. And maybe by making sure that we are reflecting those same qualities to our children, they will become the company that they keep, chartering their courses to do great things, becoming great people.

And Tito’s. Lots of Tito’s helps too.

Cheers to March Madness. See you on the flip side, peepers!

Baby it’s cold outside! The winter weather is blustering in, cold temps have taken over much of the country and we are hunkered down ready to finish out the rest of the month of February. And given that this a month of love, maybe some of that love warming our hearts will warm up our feets and help us to endure a few more months of the white stuff. Spring will soon be knocking, peepers, and we have to get through winter to get there. So ride it out and keep your eyes focused on the prize.

I am slowly making my way through my blanket of grief. Very slowly. I really can’t talk about my dad much and I still cry when people ask me how I’m doing. There are days when the grief lingers in the back of my mind, letting me know it’s there but keeping quiet and letting me live fully. And then there’s days when I wear it like a housecoat - unable to come out of the confines of the loneliness of my loss, clinging to the memories, wishing I had kept a voicemail, something. Anything. I have his picture on my fridge, I can talk with ease to my mom about the loss of her husband, my children and the loss of their papa. But losing my dad - I’m not there yet.

So many of us are now at that age where losing our parents, our friends, people that we love - it is becoming a reality. We start attending more funerals than we do weddings, more wakes than we do keggers, see the faces of people we care about us staring back from the obituaries. And it got me thinking - what I am feeling and experiencing, many of you may have experienced yourself or may be faced with my situation at some point in your future.

How can I help?

You read my stories. That helps a few, I think. But there is more out there than that. There are tangibles that can help with the grief, that can bring a little comfort. Cremation jewelry, jewelry for ashes, memorial pendants - really the names are endless and what some may even consider a teensy bit morbid. In fact, when I first heard of cremation jewelry I was like, “Ew.” Now however, I get it. I knew what it was but I didn’t know why I would ever want it. Now I understand why.

Whether you’ve lost someone you love and are looking for a way to connect the disconnect, know someone that has lost and you’re looking for a way to help, simply bored and can’t get past level 281 on Wordscapes - whatever it is you’re doing, this is worth a few minutes of your time. A year ago I could not have written this and understood the value. I can tell you now that the information has proven invaluable for me, that I’m lucky that I knew about it beforehand. For all of you looking for some sort of tangible way to be close to someone you’ve loved and loss, this one is for you.

Cremation Jewelry Explained

Like I said, when I first heard about cremation jewelry, I thought the concept as a whole was a little weird. Cremation jewelry is a jewelry accessory of some sort that has a hollowed out interior. Could be a pendant, a ring, a bracelet, etc. and the interior is accessed by removing a threaded screw. The screw is typically discreetly placed on the bottom of the pendant, by unscrewing the bail, on the back of the jewelry, somewhere where 99% of the population would never see it unless they were looking for it specifically.

The hidden inside compartment is small and designed to hold some cremated ashes. If you’ve never seen cremated remains before they have the consistency of sand - not the white sand of a resort but more pebbly and rough in nature. The interior will hold about an 1/8 teaspoon of ashes so it really doesn’t hold very much at all. Just a smidge. Seal it up with some adhesive and there you go.

Importance of Cremation Jewelry

I guess some of this you don’t really ‘get’ until you go through it yourself. And it’s not a life event that any of us looking forward to going through. That being said, I’m there. And whether you use the word ‘importance’ or you choose another word, cremation jewelry does have value.

Significant comfort factor.

This is probably the most important for me personally. I didn’t think I would find comfort from having that reminder close to me but I have found that I crave it. I need to feel that connection. And cremation jewelry gives me a very unique and highly personal way to do just that.

Allows for absolute discretion.

Again, this is a big deal to me. For someone that considers herself an open book, I have found that my grief is extremely private. Not something that I have wanted to share. Cremation jewelry really allows me the option to have a way to grieve my loss outwardly yet privately, to have that reminder but no one else knows but me. That’s win win in my book.

Highly personal to the deceased.

I don’t care if it’s a t-shirt, a pillowcase, a wallet, what have you. Those things that were personal to the deceased, things that we can touch and feel, when we touch them it does help to make us feel closer to them in most cases. With cremation jewelry, you can wear it every day and have that extremely personal reminder of your loved one with you - whenever you choose to do so.

A touching grieving gift.

Sometimes there are people in our life that go through a loss and we want to do more than send flowers, something more than a charitable donation. Cremation jewelry is a wonderful way to give a family member or a close friend a grieving gift that maybe they would never choose for themselves. Grief has a way of stripping you of your inability to make decisions and in some situations, this is a wonderful way to really help someone that is struggling with the loss of their loved one.

Tips for Choosing Cremation Jewelry

Everyone is different and likes something different. I put together a few tips that hopefully will help with choosing what works best.

Keep in mind your lifestyle.

I think lifestyle plays a huge role in choosing cremation jewelry. If you’re highly active, a pendant may not be the best option. Consider choosing something along the lines of a cremation ring or a cremation bracelet. For those that typically change out their jewelry on a regular basis, a cremation pendant is really an ideal way to integrate a highly personal jewelry necklace into your daily repertoire.

Keep in mind your budget.

I need to do this with life in general but budget is a significant factor. Cremation jewelry is going to range in price from $50 up to $1000. Glass pendants, brass pendants and keychains made from stainless steel are on the less expensive end of the price range and are a great option for those that are buying several. You can find a significant selection of sterling silver and 14k gold plated over sterling silver in the $75-$200 price range and then for those big spenders, there is 14k yellow gold and 14k white gold cremation jewelry that is typically a special order and getting you near the $1000 mark.

Keep in mind the recipient.

If you’re buying cremation jewelry for someone as a grieving gift, keep in mind the age of the recipient. Expensive pieces may not be ideal for a child or teen that has experienced loss as jewelry can be easily misplaced. By the same token, elderly hands may struggle with a clasp on a necklace and a bracelet or keychain may be a little more easily handled. Or choose a pendant with a longer chain that can easily be slipped over the head, never having to worry about a clasp.

And some people like to bling themselves out while others are not that big into jewelry. What you don’t want to do is choose something that is a struggle for the recipient to wear or that will sit on the top of a dresser because it’s not really their style. Take the time to really consider the recipient and choose something that you feel will work best for them - not what you would or wouldn’t like.

Keep your options open.

This one is so extremely important and one that few people think of until they go to their shopping cart. Most standard cremation necklaces include a matching chain as well as the offer of chain upgrades. Most cremation jewelry can be engraved as well with initials, a short phrase, etc. Upgrades, engraving, expedited shipping - all of that cost moola. Extra dollars added on to that total in your cart. Be aware before you start personalizing what the extras are going to run you so that you don’t create something that you love but cannot afford.

Questions, Questions, Questions

I know I said by definition that cremation jewelry was for ashes but it’s not JUST for ashes. Lots of people aren’t cremated, lots of people don’t want to use ashes, lots of people simply don’t have that option. Here’s some of the more commonly asked questions when it comes to what you can put inside cremation jewelry and a few others that people ask frequently.

Can I ask the family for some ashes?

My personal opinion on this is it depends on you, your relationship to the deceased and your relationship to the remaining family. It’s not a question to ask the day the ashes are returned by any means. Wait it out and if the time is right, maybe very gently ask if the family would be willing to part with a small amount of the ashes, you would be honored. Do so with ZERO expectation and be willing to accept the family’s response and/or conditions.

Do I have to use ashes?

No you don’t. I know people that took some of the ground that was blessed from where their loved one was laid to rest in a cemetery. I know of families that put a few strands of their son’s hair inside a locket for each of the siblings. One woman bought a cylinder shaped cremation locket and put a tiny scroll in the locket that had her husband’s name. If you can get it to fit and you find some comfort, I say go for it.

Will the ashes fall out?

They shouldn’t but as with anything, you need to follow the directions when you fill cremation jewelry. You’re not setting up a TV that you pull out of the box and plug in. Most companies include instructions as well as some sort of adhesive or sealant. Read the instructions all the way through, set up your work station in an area that is free from distraction and debris and go step by step.

Can I wear cremation jewelry in water?

I personally never take my every day jewelry off and I know that that is bad. Cremation jewelry is a totally different ball game. Take it off at night, when you’re exercising and under no circumstances would I get it wet. Nothing is foolproof in my eyes and what you don’t want to risk is the adhesive being compromised by elements in a swimming pool, shampoo or soap additives, anything of that nature. Take the few extra seconds and take it off.

Is there cremation jewelry that doesn’t hold ashes (i.e. no interior compartment)?

Yep, there is! Photo engraved jewelry is a fab-u-lous option in this case. I personally have gifted more photo engraved jewelry than Santa Claus himself. The pendants are flat, there are shapes that are perfect for men, for women, for kids. Photo engraved jewelry is typically made of stainless steel and because most of us have pictures of our loved ones, it’s an easy way to choose a picture and have it engraved and gift it to someone else. I’ve done for friends that have lost pets and my Lexi’s field hockey team did two for the parents of a girl from another school in the ISL that passed away unexpectedly her senior year. The parents then turned around and ordered one for every girl on the team and gave it to each of them at the end of the season banquet.

Cremation Jewelry and Me

When I was home in January for my dad’s services, my mom asked me if I would like some of his ashes. Which I very much did and told her so. I also told her that I understood if she didn’t want to share the ashes and wanted to keep Dad ‘together’ and all in one place. She said she absolutely would be happy to give me some of his ashes when I was ready. And I’m not. Not yet.

This June of 2019 my CJ will be graduating from high school. My family will be coming from Montana to help us celebrate. I can’t wait. They aren’t flying in until after Father’s Day and we decided that as a family we will celebrate Lexi’s 20th birthday, Cayden’s 15th birthday, my brother and his wife’s anniversary and our anniversary and Father’s Day on June 23. It’s always been a holiday that I have loved, second to Mother’s Day (sorry not sorry), because I think the role of a dad is so extremely important. Necessary. And I am grateful that my family will be here with me so that we can celebrate the fathers in our lives. And honor the one that will be so missed.

I am a minimalist when it comes to jewelry. I am in and out of the gym, I’ve got a small farm at home and am always being jumped on by a dog. I wear one necklace and one only. But a ring - that won’t get snagged on doggy paws. It’s easy and quick for me to take on and off. And this way, I can imagine it’s a way for my dad to always be holding my hand. So for Father’s Day this year, that’s what I would like to do. Have my mom bring some of my dad’s ashes and gift myself his hand to hold, help me to fill a cremation ring with a part of him that I can keep with me always.

Cremation jewelry is not for everyone and I get that. Heck, I never thought it would be for me. But there is value, importance, healing there. And I am all for whatever can help to mend a heart that is grieving. It won’t bring back my daddy but I am so hopeful that it will help give me the courage to put my housecoat away for awhile, shake out the cobwebs and keep living my life as full as I can. To remember him with more smiles than tears. I am going to hold tightly to that hope...

Happy middle to the end of January! Seems like the month has been so long yet really flown by…is that possible? First major storm of the season combined with brutally cold temps here in the Northeast has put me full on in to hibernation mode and I feel like I am finally catching my footing and getting back into the swing of life. Most of our goosies are back in school, we’ve hit the halfway point of kids in school and there is a glimmer, a hope of spring in a few months time.

And I have been in need of some inspiration. In fact, there has been some desperation in my search for inspiration if I’m being honest. It’s no secret that the past weeks have been challenging. Life has simply been a lot and I have felt a little lost. A lot lost. My get up and go seemed to have gotten up and left town, leaving no trace of where it went and when it was coming back. And I finally decided yesterday that I was through waiting, all done being desperate. I pulled up my big girl pants, planted a big fake smile on my face and went out to get this girl some inspiration RIGHT NOW!

And I found it.

For all of you out there that are feeling a little lost, a little uninspired, unmotivated, simply unable to get out of your own way - you so are not alone. I’m going to hopefully help you clean your lens just a little, declutter the mind and maybe, just maybe, help you find some inspiration. Because it’s there. So let’s look for it together.

Finding Your Inspiration

It’s so much easier to find that inspiration than what we realize at times. It’s most often in the little details that we pass over for the ‘bigger picture’.

Open up your eyes

I’m looking out my window and it’s gray outside. There’s snow on the ground. It has the look of cold and blah. Boo, right? But then I took a closer look. And sitting on the couch in front of the window is one of my girls. Who pretty much never leaves my side when I’m home, is truly one of my co-workers. And on the window looking out onto the snow are the doggie prints that are inevitable with their ‘neighborhood watch’ program. All of a sudden, by opening up my eyes, I am seeing things I am grateful for instead of focusing on what most would consider a less than beautiful day. Those little doggie marks on the window serve as a reminder as to how complete, how happy my dogs make me.

#inspiredbypawprints

Open up your ears

We all have problems. All of us. But the next time someone asks you how you are, listen to what you say. Listen to those around you talking about their day. I overheard a conversation yesterday and it was all about drama. And negativity. Not just for a few minutes but for a good ten minutes. And I quietly observed the two people that were engaging in the conversation and the way in which they fed off of each other’s negativity. And I thought to myself - holy cow enough already. Open up your ears and listen. We attract what we put out there and whereas I’m all for discussing challenges with those in our inner circle, it becomes very easy to dwell on it. Let it consume us. Let those first words that come out of your mouth be positive and listen to how it is received. I bet in most cases that positivity is reciprocated.

 #inspiredbywords

Open up your email

Yep. You read that right. I signed up awhile back for this little positive email service. Tut. And every single day, I get a little dose of positivity that is there waiting for me first thing when I come downstairs for my cup of coffee and morning routine. Sometimes it’s a sentence or two, sometimes it’s a short paragraph. But always there is something there that starts out my day with a positive inspiring thought. And I much prefer that as a way to start my day than with turning on the news and hearing about all that is wrong with the world. I’d rather start off reading about what is right with me.

#inspiredbyamessage

Open up your arms

When I got back from Montana and had my first day back at the gym, I was greeted by countless hugs. Hugs filled with I miss you’s, I’m here for you’s, I love you’s and so much more. Every day when my Rob goes to work he hugs me good-bye. I hug my children when I see them and when I send them back to school. Open up your arms and give someone a hug. That human touch, that warmth, that small act of kindness, care and compassion can inspire someone to turn their frown upside down and approach their day with a lighter step. It costs nothing but seconds of your time.

#inspiredbytwoarms

Open up your list

I’m going to hound on this one relentlessly. If you don’t have a gratitude list, stop what you’re doing and make one. A scrap of paper, a post it note, notes in your phone, I don’t care. Stop right now and make a list of five things you’re grateful for. Any five things, it makes no difference what they are. Write down five things that inspired you, five goals you’re working towards, five things that people have said to you, done for you that changed the way you thought, the way you approached your days. Whatever it is, we all can come up with five. Put it in your wallet, in your purse, save it somewhere. And when you are feeling irritated, overwhelmed, upset, down, etc. pull it out and read it. Again and again. And force yourself to add one more to the list. It sounds ridiculous but it is one of the best tools I have ever utilized to readjust our focus almost instantaneously and clean the lens.

#inspiredbyreminders

Keeping Yourself On Track

All of this is great, right? And maybe I’ve inspired one of you to stop what you’re doing, take a look around you and you’re temporarily in a better place, have found inspiration for an hour, a day, maybe even a couple of days. But how do we stay in that place of inspiration? Of seeing the positive, the beauty, the desire to live this day as if it’s the best day ever? I’m no guru and obviously it’s a work in progress for me too. I do have some tips that might help keep all of us on track and headed in the right direction.

Consistency trumps heroic

Realize that finding your inspiration, living your best version of you, being happy more than you’re unhappy - it’s like anything else. It’s not an overnight transformation. It is a marathon and all about being consistent. You need to build that solid foundation for the long haul - not for those few days where your effort is superhuman than you dwindle back to nada. There will be setbacks, days that get the best of you, moments where you feel weak, tired, alone, unhappy. That’s okay. The goal here is to have fewer of those days and more days that inspire you to be more. And that takes time. Consistency is key.

Your tribe matters

We are whom we surround ourselves with. Think about your circle. Do you have that ‘friend’ that is always complaining? That friend where when you say, “Hi how are you?” you get a litany of everything that is wrong with their day? What about those people in your life that are always smiling? Have any of those? Do you walk away from them feeling better? Walking away from the negative people in our life is one of the hardest and most liberating things we can do. I’m not saying cut them out - you have to do you. But the people that we keep company with often are a mirror for our own attitudes and gratitudes and often times we are accepting what we are reflecting. Make sure that’s a tribe you want to be a member of.

#mytribeisthebombdiggety

Move your body

This matters tremendously. When we move our body we release endorphins. Endorphins trigger a positive response in the body. The equation is simple. Go for a walk, get to the gym, hop on a bike. I don’t care what it is but when we are moving our body we are creating all kinds of little happy positive sparks. Even a bad workout is better than no workout.

Smile more

Here’s the thing - a smile is contagious. When you smile at someone, 9/10 times they are going to smile back. And it’s really hard to be mad when you’re smiling. Not only that but it takes more muscles to frown than smile and if you’re like me and gravity and age is playing ping pong on your face, smiling costs less than Botox and I would much prefer explaining my laugh lines than an overabundance of frown lines.

Act as if

Drop the word ‘want’ from your vocabulary. If you want something you must act as if you already have it to get it. You want to be inspired? Act as if you are inspired. You want to be positive and live a life that is full and rewarding? Act as if that is the life that you are living. When we drop the want and feel like we already have what we want, it comes to us.

Realize you are enough

You are worth it. You are enough. This desire to prove ourselves, measure up - I think it’s all garbage. Desire to be inspired because you in your own right are inspiring. Marvelous. Magnificent. Beautiful. Perfect in your imperfections. Look in the mirror and be inspired by the fact that you chose to get out of bed and take the day. Make it yours. That no matter what life throws your way you will rise to the challenge to the very best of your ability.

Continuing to Raise My Inspirational Bar

I so love to be inspired. I love to see the good, the positive, the blessings, the gratitude. Why wouldn’t you? I know so many unhappy people and although I certainly have reason to be not very happy right now, I am going to find the inspiration in my days.

I am inspired by the athletes that I work out with and the dedication they have. Their busy lives don’t dictate when they hit the gym - the athletes simply make it part of their routine - make their health and well-being a priority in their lives.

I am inspired by my children and their confidence. Truly in awe that at such young ages they have the guts to strike out on their own and forge their own paths, looking back with a smile as they let go of my hand.

I am inspired by the husband my Rob has become. He has grown with me and supports me, respects me and cares about me not just as his wife but as the woman that I am.

I am inspired by the strength that my mom has shown. She has dug in her heels and gone about getting things accomplished, things that need to get done all the while dealing with her own grief.

I am inspired by my girls, my friends. Humbled by their unwavering love for me, their determination in letting me know that I am going to be okay and that they are ready to pick me up and dust me off. No matter if it’s 100x a day.

I am inspired by me. Without question, 2018 has been the most challenging year of my life. And I didn’t give up. I didn’t quit. I woke up almost every day of this past year, determined to try again and give it the best I had. And my best, whatever it was each day... It. Was. Enough.

The inspiration in our lives is there, peepers. It is easy to get wrapped up in all the garbage - don’t let it happen. Find those things that bring out the positive emotion - a feeling of being loved, success, joy and dwell on those feelings. Dwell on the feeling of being inspired and that is the vibe that you will project in your life. Get out there and move your body and strap in for the long haul, focusing more on being consistent and smiling every chance you get. And throw in a hug or two.

And realize that you are awesome. That you are enough and that in and of itself is inspiring.

2019 has just begun. Act as if you are already inspired and hold onto that inspiration like the Abominable Snowman holds onto Daffy Duck. Love it, squeeze it, live it to the very fullest you possibly can.

#thankyouforinspiringme

Roderick "Rod" VanHeel

October 2, 1952 - December 28, 2018

It’s not very often that I’m at a loss for words - verbal or written. And I sit here this morning, quiet, crying, simply praying that the words will magically present themselves. You see, I’ve written about grief several times. I’ve studied grief, written about the grieving process, seen the ravages of grief on the faces of friends and families. Grief touches all of us at some point in our lives. And eventually, grief knocks on your door.

I went home at the beginning of December as I do every year. And it is a trip, a long weekend that I always look forward to. I get the opportunity to see my parents, my brother and his family, spend time with my nephews and my niece, attend our annual work Christmas party. It’s a weekend away from my own lifeboat, a time for me to go home and reconnect with my roots. A weekend that I treasure. And this past trip home, it’s one I will cherish always.

I don't believe in superstars, organic food and foreign cars

See, my dad’s health has been failing. A diagnosis of liver cancer almost five years ago led to the doctors giving him six months to live. They tried a couple of therapies that lo and behold not only kicked cancer in the you-know-what but also gave him some time. Some life. As the days turned into months turned into years, he was able to travel out to MA for his granddaughter’s graduation party in June of 2017 and travel on to New York with my mom and my brother and his family. He was able to go up to Seeley Lake every summer as we have done for over 30 years. He not only made the most of the time that he was given but he made memories. As a family, we made memories.

I don't believe the price of gold, the certainty of growing old

But with all therapies, eventually they weren’t working the way they should. One treatment gave way to another which gave way to another, etc. In addition to the cancer he was battling, my dad also suffered from COPD and had a pacemaker. The deck was stacked against him. Never once did I hear him utter the words, “Why me?” Whatever they presented him with when it came to a treatment, he would say, “Let’s do it. I’m not ready to stop fighting yet.”

He got up to say good-bye on the morning I left to fly back to MA. Sat at the table, hugged me and said, “I love you so much, honey.” I was crying - I always do when I have to leave home. I went to leave and stopped, turned and came back and hugged him one more time. Kissed him and said, “I love you so much, Daddy.” He told me, “You be a good girl.”

That right is right and left is wrong, that north and south can't get along

I had a cardiac MRI appointment that I had to tackle on December 12. Was my second try. When I was home, my dad made me promise that no matter what, I had to see it through. And, with the help of some meds and my Rob, I sent my mom a text right after to tell her to tell dad I did it! The response I got was a phone call from my brother. Telling me they had gotten the news that there were no more treatments for my dad. The doctor told him maybe two months. My dad took the news quietly and then asked to go home. Arrangements were made and two days later, my dad came home. No one was happier than he was, surrounded by his puppies and home with my mom.

Hospice came as needed and he had to sleep in the family room in the recliner. All that being said, his spirits were pretty good despite the news that he had been given. Christmas Eve was planned as always at my parents' house and my mom was able to get him up, give him a clean shave. Understand that small tasks such as shaving that we take for granted often completely depleted him. But the human spirit is a powerful beast and he rallied like a champ. He proudly wore his St. Marks sweatshirt and was engaged with family the entire evening. How I wish I could have been there...

That east is east and west is west and being first is always best

Friday morning, December 28, Rob and I drove CJ to an outpatient center for shoulder surgery. We had to be there at 6:00 am. We arrived, checked in and had just sat down to wait when Rob’s phone beeped. He checked his messages, immediately got up and went around the corner to make a call. I got up, turned the corner, not realizing that CJ was right behind me, only to hear him say, “I’m so sorry, Donna.” And I knew. He hung up the phone and told me. My dad had passed away. Not two months - two weeks and two days.

I sat down on the floor. Put my head on my knees. And I cried.

The weekend was a blur. CJ was in pain, my mom was in pain. I didn’t talk about my dad but to a handful of people in my inner circle. I didn’t want to share my loss. I couldn’t share my loss. I have been on autopilot for 8 days now, going through the motions, putting on a smile when I need to, getting done what needs to get done. I fly home on Monday and will be there for a week for the services and to help my mom in whatever capacity she needs. And I don’t know what to expect out of ‘home’ because it is now forever changed.

But I believe in love, I believe in babies, I believe in mom and dad and I believe in you

And at some point in time, I have to figure out how to grieve my loss. Because right now I am simply pretending it isn’t there. That is the glory of others needing you to do for them. It affords you the luxury of not dealing with your own grief. Eventually, I will have to face it. Eventually.

Lessons learned

Life is about learning and I’ll tell you what, I have learned a lot in the past week.

Stepchildren count.

My dad came into my life when I was 8 years old. He has been a part of my life for almost my entire life. Countless people have sent their sympathies to his ‘birth’ children, leaving out any mention of his other three children - stepchildren that are grieving the loss of a dad in their life as well. And although not intentional, it hurts. Remember all of the family in your expression of sympathy.

Saying “I’m sorry” is enough.

There are no words. None. It is okay to just say that you’re so sorry. That is enough. People that are grieving don’t care that their loved one is no longer in pain, not suffering, that they’re in a better place, etc. Well-meaning phrases like that can unintentionally hurt.

Don’t leave I love you’s for tomorrow.

If you love someone, tell them. Often. Many times a day. Because there will come a day when you won’t have that opportunity.

I don't believe that heaven waits for only those that congregate

Grief is singular.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that grief is very singular. The way I grieve is not the way my mom grieves, my children grieve or anyone else grieves. It ebbs and flows and presents itself in different ways. And you don’t know when the next wave is going to hit.

Time and patience are key

Time kind of stops when you suffer a loss. I feel like the days have blended together and I’ve moved from task to task, not really accomplishing anything. So I’ve tried to keep my tasks small, my list short, making it easy to conquer something rather than a bunch of things done a little. And I have had to really work on my patience. My patience with my children - self-absorbed as all children are with their own lives, they forget that I am grieving and trying to find a new normal. Patience with my mom who at times gets angry and lashes out a little and trying to be her soft place to land. Because she needs that and will continue to in the upcoming weeks and months ahead. Patience with myself because for all the small moments that I conquer, there are three times as many moments where I feel like I have failed. And for me too, it is going to be a process.

Thank you, Dad

My dad was 27 when he met my mom. He had two boys of his own from a prior marriage - my mom had three kids from her first marriage. He was 28 when they got married and we became a family of 7. The gifts he left behind are too many to count but some are worth mentioning.

Thank you for the countless times you made me redo tasks until they were done right.

Whether it was dishes, staining wood or pulling weeds, you always told us that if a job was worth doing, it was worth doing right from the start.

Thank you for teaching me to play cards.

From cribbage to gin rummy, I cherish the afternoons you spent teaching me how to play every card game you could think of. And win.

Thank you for keeping our house full of dogs.

Always, always there were dogs in our house and I truly believe that was instrumental in cementing my love for animals.

I like to think of God as love; he's down below, he's up above

Thank you for sharing your love of music.

Everywhere we went, music was playing. The tapes you made us, the songs you sang, the artists you loved. Your passion for the words and the melodies, the way that songs would make you smile - those are the memories I will cherish the most.

Thank you for always treating me like a daughter.

I was never introduced as your step-daughter, a stepchild, never treated any different because we didn’t share the same DNA. I was always treated like your daughter.

Thank you for loving my mom.

For almost 40 years, you were the love of her life. Her best friend. Her soulmate. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to show my appreciation for the way in which you loved her.

He's watchin people everywhere; he knows who does and doesn't care

Thank you for being a wonderful Papa to my children.

I am so grateful for each and every moment that my children got to spend with you. The fact that you could live so far away yet still have such an impact on each of them shows what a tremendous person you are, the depth of your love for your grandchildren.

And I'm an ordinary man sometimes, I wonder who I am

Thank you for being my dad.

I believe with my whole heart that the reason that my Rob’s relationship with his children is so important is because of my relationship with you. There is nothing in the world like a father’s love. And for almost 40 years, I was blessed to call you dad. My only regret is that I don’t get you for 40 more.

But I believe in love I believe in music I believe in magic and I believe in you

Rest in peace, Daddy. Know that you are missed so very much and that the troops are rallying around Mom. Never will she be without. A part of me went with you and I’m not sure yet how to move forward but I will figure it out. “I believe in you” by Don Williams will always be our song and I will forever be your little girl. I love you so much.

Your daughter, Hallie

The last few days of 2018 are here - hard to believe the year is coming to a close. It was a year filled with a lot of successes for this girl. And a year that is not closing out the way in which I thought it would. Some of it good, some of it heartbreaking. I grew a lot this year and am forever grateful for that growth.

I am a huge advocate of setting goals for yourself every year. I think it’s important to set your sites on how you can take the lessons of the last year and grow from them, always working to better yourself and live a life of purpose. A life that is fulfilled and challenges you. And in order to have a clear picture, taking a look back at the goals that you set for yourself is imperative to help you move forward into the next year.

Lucky for me I have my goals for 2018. My list of 7 rules from which I wanted to live my life by in 2018. So before I give you my rules for 2019, allow me to reflect on my successes and my failures of the past almost 365 days. Let’s see if I walked the walk and talked the talk and was able to accomplish what I set out to do.

2018 7 Rules To Live By

No Part Time People.

I didn’t want to give part time people a full time position in my life. I don’t know if it has to do with age or what, but I reached the point in my life where if you don’t want to be there and bring positivity and light to my days - see ya. Life is short and I simply don’t have time for people that want me to be there to be their personal sounding board and receiver of constant complaints. I knocked this one out of the park.

Begin and end my days with gratitude.

I have struggled with this one. I think that being grateful is a choice and there are days when the choice to wallow in my personal struggles and challenges has won out over being grateful. Don’t be surprised to see some version of this on my 2019 Rules.

Health first.

I get an A+ for this one. Have hands down taken charge of my health this year. Been checked up, checked out, seen by all kinds of doctors and been given a clean bill of health. 47 is the new 40, right? If you haven’t had a physical or taken care of getting health insurance (you know who I’m talking to) or had the odds and ends taken care of - put it at the top of your list for 2019. Our most valuable asset is our health.

Be indifferent.

Whereas I struggled with this initially and had some bumps in the road, I have to say that I am finishing out the year in a pretty good place with this rule. Not a perfect science for sure, I have come a long way with choosing to be indifferent rather than engage. Doesn’t mean I’m above a snarky comment here or there with a trusted soul sister but for the most part, live and let live.

Making a difference.

I could go either way on this one. I would like to think that through my writing I have made a difference. That I have impacted a life here or there, caused someone to stop and pause. Brightened a day. Been a catalyst for healing. Regardless, this will rule will totes be a carryover to the upcoming year.

More face time, less screen time.

Probs a low C on this one. Like a C-. Kind of ebbs and flows but without question I could use far less time attached to my phone.

Let it go, let it go.

I wouldn’t say that I have let things go so much as my focus has changed. My life has changed. My wants and must haves and direction has changed considerably. There have been things that I consciously let go but because life is in charge of life, there are things I have let go that I didn’t even realize I had let go. And what that tells me is that I was holding onto things that truly in the big scheme of things - really didn’t matter. I’ll give myself a B+/A- and let it go.

6 Directives for 2019

I changed things up a little for 2019 - chose directives for the upcoming year in lieu of rules. By definition, a directive is something that is intended to guide, govern or influence. And that’s perfect for what my intent is in the next 365 days of my life.

Directive 1. In 2019, I will live my life with purpose.

What does that mean? Live life with purpose? It means a little something different to everyone but to me, it means to live your life to the fullest. What drives you to wake up in the morning? What gives your life meaning? What in your life makes you smile? Makes you feel loved? What legacy do you want to leave behind when you go? When you are living your life with purpose you are living the answers to those questions. I am all in.

Directive 2. In 2019, I will spend more time outdoors.

I am an outdoors girl. And in the past decade I have spent less and less time enjoying the beauty of the outdoors. Sure, I do some gardening and what not. But I haven’t gone on a hike in I can’t tell you how long. Hit the ski slopes in decades. Sat outside and read a book in forever. Taken a walk, sat on the beach, you name it. And for me personally, being outside is like instant happy. It costs me nothing but time and I can find time in my day to get outside.

Directive 3. In 2019, I will downsize.

No, I’m not moving. Although some people in our town will be sad, we are here for a little while longer. But I need to do some downsizing. In the basement. Around the house. In our closets. And within personal areas of my life. All this space that is filled up with things that don’t matter, that are roadblocks in the path of me living with more purpose - I need to downsize, make less room for the unmatterables. So that there is room for the things that do matter.

Directive 4. In 2019, I will focus less on what if’s and more on why not’s.

I am going to rearrange my focus in this upcoming year to worry less about the what if’s in life and focus more on the why not’s. The countless hours and time that we waste, wondering what if something happens what are we going to do? And all that time agonizing and stressing over a what if would be so much better spent engaging in a why not. Why not go outside and take a break from work? Why not eat the burger and fries? Why not blow off a stuffy dinner party and go on a date with my husband? I am focused on enriching my life with more opportunities to live than to number my days by things that might or might not transpire.

Directive 5. In 2019, I am going to have more gains and fewer setbacks.

I learned a lot this year. And much of what I learned set me back a little bit. I second guessed myself, I didn’t trust my instincts, I was flooded with self-doubt. Not in 2019. I am taking it back. I am going to see gains this year. Gains in the gym. Gains in my self-confidence and my awareness. Gains in my attitude and my bank account. And I am going to face those setbacks not as setbacks but as brick walls that are meant to be smashed into little tiny pieces.

Directive 6. In 2019, I am going to grow from a place of gratitude.

I have said it time and time again, when we are growing from a place of gratitude we are focused on our haves - not our have nots. And every day that we wake up and have the opportunity to LIVE - that is something to be grateful for. Every day we are given the gift in making a difference, in living our life with passion, of achieving magnificent things. And with gratitude comes joy. Happiness. Fulfillment. Again - this girl is ALL IN!

Bring on the New Year

There is a vast difference between setting goals and setting rules from which to live your life, directives to help you achieve more from your days. I am a believer in the importance of both. Rules and directives serve as an overall guide to help you attain the goals that you set for yourself - kind of like the manual that you get when you buy a car but with not as many pages and simplified.

I encourage you to do it. Give yourself an hour and a cup of coffee and look back over 2018. What would you do different? What did you knock out of the park? What changes can you make to help you get more from your days? Live life with arms a little more wide open?

Write them down and make them tangible. Share them with someone you trust and ask them to help keep you accountable. Again, I’m not talking about adding 20 lbs do your deadlift - I’m talking about life rules. Directives to help you become a better version of you. A contributor. A better human being.

And when you turn that page to 2019, do so with the knowledge that you are taking with you what you learned in 2018. Not to beat yourself up for the things that didn’t go as planned but secure with the lessons learned and a passion to move forward in a positive direction.

So see ya later 2018! And 2019…COME ON DOWN!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! I truly do love December and all the trimmings that go along with the month. Not only is it so festive with the decorations and the trees and the lights but the other sights and smells and sounds of the season are fab-u-lous! I love Christmas music, I love getting Christmas cards in the mail, I love seeing the decorated gingerbread houses. I would REALLY love some Christmas cookies, some fudge, some goodies - however given that I don’t have a reliable ‘off switch’ when it comes to those kinds of things I do not keep them in the house. And I don’t care what you say, Halo Top protein ice cream is no substitute for a frosted Christmas star Christmas cookie!

It is also the season of giving. And given that I am what I would consider a ‘giver’ (say that three times fast), this time of year is right up my alley. Wrapping - not so much - but choosing and buying the gifts - all over it. And there is nothing better than goosies coming downstairs to seeing gifts under the tree, stockings filled to the brim, shrieking in delight over what they’ve received…

And then you have teenagers.

Sigh. Gone are those days. Gift cards, money, blah blah blah. No longer do we want things that are fun or that mom has picked out. I haven’t given in yet and a large part of that comes from something I read about several years ago on social media. Four gifts. That’s it. Four. Something you want. Something you need. Something to wear. Something to read. And it is brilliant! And it has made life infinitely easier when it comes to choosing gifts for them during the holidays.

As I was thinking about this blog, deciding the direction I wanted to take - it hit me. Yes, this is ideal for those tangibles, the boxed up, gift wrapped packages strategically placed under the tree. But is it an intangible thing too? Are there things in our life that we can gift ourselves, things we want or need, an intangible to wear or read? Think about that for a minute. Let it marinate. Those intangibles are there. They are necessary. Implementable. Impactful. Some might even say - life altering.

So in honor of all the parents out there with hard to buy teenagers, college kids, on-their-own-but-still-semi-dependent adult children - you got it. I wrote this one for you.

And for every person out there, looking for some inspiration, wanting to make some positive changes, redefine their personal focus and tune in to what truly matters to them - well, I wrote this one for you too.

Something to Wear

Everyone can use something to wear. This literally takes probably the least amount of effort to come up with and typically is easy for the recipient to come up with ideas as well.

Something to Wear Tangible

Lordy the options are endless. You can go sports related and choose favorite NFL or NHL team. The uber popular Love Your Melon beanies. Gloves. Scarves. Socks and underwear. Hats. A pair of their favorite brand of jeans. Nice work gloves. Take a hop on over to Lululemon and drop a cool hundred on a pair of workout pants. That you sweat in. Take a look through their closet and find what they need, what they’ve grown out of, add some color. There’s no excuse for not being able to come up with ‘something to wear’ that is a tangible.

Something to Wear Intangible

In today’s day and age, you know what I see very few people wearing? A smile. Imagine if you made it a point every morning, every outing, every interaction to wear a smile. I know you’ve been on the receiving end of it and there is nothing like being greeted by a smile. It shakes us out of a bad mood, it serves as a reminder that hey maybe things aren’t so bad. And it certainly shows our younger generations that even when life is challenging, slap a smile on your face and fake it til you make it. I’m all over wearing a smile more often.

And wear your confidence like a brand new Gucci suit. I don’t care if it’s a Gucci knock-off…no one’s gonna know unless you tell them! I often get mistaken for being confident and in all reality, I’m often times nervous, scared, intimidated, etc. But I have learned that sometimes pretending as if I know what I’m doing, faking the confidence on the outside - that confidence ‘practice’ starts to become permanent. Confidence - take it out of the closet and start cycling it through your wardrobe.

Something To Read

Not everyone loves to read. Fact. But not loving to read is NOT a deal breaker when it comes to choosing something to read for someone in your life.

Something to Read Tangible

The obvious choice here is books. No brainer. I am lucky in that I have a voracious reader in the house and girl goose will read almost anything she can get her hands on and can in fact lose herself in a book for hours. But something to read can be more than books. Manuals on how to fix things for the do it yourselfer. A yearly subscription to their favorite magazine. An all about book for that person that has a place on their bucket list to travel to. A motivational how to for that young athlete in your life that is striving to be better, get more, have an edge. An Instant Pot cookbook (hint hint). For those that really don’t like to read - audio books are a fair option in my opinion. Think about the interests of the recipient and google some ideas surrounding that interest. You’d be surprised what you find.

Something to Read Intangible

Y’all know I’m an advocate for taking care of your body, check-ups, that our health matters. It’s our greatest asset. Do yourself a favor this year and give yourself something to read. A number on the scale that is healthy. A lab report that shows cholesterol numbers that have decreased. A letter in the mail confirming your next annual appointment. Read up on daily supplements and how much hydration is the right amount.

Take a few minutes and read your child’s face when they come in the door, that of your significant other. It’s amazing how often we don’t take the time to ‘read’ the most important people in our life, gloss over their expressions because we are too wrapped up in other things that are probably of far less importance. Read the body language of a friend. Are they in need of a cup of coffee and a venting session? That cup of coffee and hour of your time can alter the course of someone’s day.

Something You Want

Believe it or not, I think this can be one of the more challenging gifts to come up with. For many adults, we don’t necessarily ‘want’ anything. If there’s something we want, we save or don’t save and get it for ourselves. But that shouldn’t stop you from getting them what they want…just means that sometimes you need to open their eyes to what it is.

Something You Want Tangible

Like I said, I think this can be one of the hardest gifts to come up with. Sometimes we have to take a more proactive approach (such as I did this year with my eldest male gosling) and figure out what they want - and it may just happen to coincide with something they need or something to wear. As long as it is within budgetary reason, I always attempt to get them what they really want. I don’t have any real suggestions other than if you can make it happen - do so.

Something You Want Intangible

Oh boy - the list is a mile long for this one when it comes to intangibles and what we want. What I really want more than anything in this world is for my children to be happy. To be engaged in their own lives with absolutely nothing holding them back. I want them to dream big and not be afraid of failure. I want them to wake up feeling blessed and to approach their days as if THIS day is brimming with opportunity. I would give up all I have if someone could assure me of that want.

And really - this holiday - I want my older two children to come together. They are at a crossroads with one another and as a mom, it is heartbreaking for me. I want them to understand that what they see as shortcomings in one another is not a deal breaker when it comes to family. Rob once said to me that the greatest gift we could ever give our children is one another. A sibling. A shoulder to lean on. One of these days I’m going to step off this merry-go-round and I pray that it is with a heart that is secure in the knowledge that they will be there for one another. The three of them united.

Something You Need

This is what I consider a ‘mom’ gift. We often see what they don’t see and if they can’t clue themselves into what they need, we typically can. At times their ‘need’ may not coincide with ours but as they get older it is our responsibility to acquiesce to what they feel is a necessity…roots and wings, peepers.

Something You Need Tangible

I try to pair this up with a ‘want’ whenever I can because a. it takes care of another gift and b. it usually goes hand in hand. One year one of them got an Xbox (want) and he also got a monitor (need). Upgrades to cell phones, new chargers, a Fire Stick for the upstairs TV given that your want was a Fire Cube for the downstairs, so on and so forth. Finding something they need whether it’s a revamp on their sock drawer or a spa treatment after the holidays can be done with relative ease and if you can pair it with one of the other three - winner winner chicken dinner!

Something You Need Intangible

Again - big list this year. Joy. Who doesn’t need more joy in their life? Laughter. Pick me! Lightheartedness. This girl. Life is so serious and hard. That is a fact. And choosing to have joy, to laugh more and approach life with a little bit of a lighter heart is just that - a CHOICE. And living your life filled with joy, bringing laughter and a positive approach to your days is a choice worth making. I’m in control of that, you’re in control of that - put it at the top of your ‘Need’ list.

And I need more mindfulness. More being present in the present moment. I am fully aware of the challenges that lie ahead in 2019 and focusing on those challenges is simply taking away from the present moments. Adding stress and anxiety that is not necessary. I have the book, I have yet to open it but I am committed to taking the time to read it and open up my eyes to the here and now.

Four Gifts Chez Moi

I don’t do well receiving gifts. I would much rather be the gifter than the giftee. That being said, there is something I want. And something I need, something to wear. And something to read.

Give me a suit of strength. Kinda like the super suit that the Incredibles put on when they are fighting the bad guys. Give me some strong that fits me to a T and let that strong take hold on the inside as much as it is on the outside. Break the bank but please Santa - send me some strong STAT.

Let me read a college acceptance letter for my son. One that makes him feel proud of all that he has sacrificed. One that makes him realize that HE IS GREAT. That he is worthy. That shows him that failure is not permanent but that it is necessary to achieve magnificent things. I’m already proud of him and have been for 18 years. I want him to feel that same pride in himself.

I want some answers. I want to know where I stand with my health and what is down the road. How I get there and what I need to do. I have a lot of life left to live and I need some answers to continue to live it to the fullest. This isn’t Jeopardy for me - no more questions. Tell me what I need to know. And a puppy. I really, really, REALLY want a puppy.

And I need more gratitude. The past six months of 2018 have been A LOT. And for every moment of laughter there has been twice as many tears. Part life for sure. Part hormones (or lack thereof…special little one finger wave to menopause). Whatever it is - I need to be ever more aware of my gratitude. Of growing from a place of gratitude. Of living my life from a place of being aware of my blessings.

As we roll into the gift giving season, be ever mindful of the gifts that you are giving. Of the example that you are living. Think about what you want from this life, what it is you need. Wear your love and joy for those that matter most like a beautiful brand new coat, treating it with the upmost care. Read the delight on the faces of your children, the look of love that you share with someone you cherish. Be ever aware of the blessings in your life and approach your days with gratitude. When faced with the choice, choose joy.

And Santa, please don’t forget about the puppy. I totes would just be tickled pink with a puppy.

Wow! Talk about a whirlwind long weekend! We squeezed in a birthday, Thanksgiving, kids home, kids going back to school. An infected dog paw, a little shopping, lots of leftovers. Dishes and laundry and cleaning windows. A few cocktails and then a few more cocktails. 5 pies, dishes and laundry. Errands, 6 gallons of milk, a couple of hours of ironing, visits from family. A scratched cornea. Oh and dishes and laundry. By no means a perfect weekend as there were a couple of tantrums thrown in there by all parties but a perfect family weekend.

Oh and we got our tree!

One of my most favorite things to do. Forced family fun. We gathered together in the car (that right there spells F-U-N) and drove to Pell Farms to tromp through the woods (not really) with ax and saw in hand to cut down the Schumaker Family Christmas Tree. Lots of grumbling and complaining, whining and moaning. Oohs and ahh’s as well. In a relatively short amount of time, we stumbled upon our tree and after discovering they no longer offered wrap, we secured the tree in the truck with the one strap we didn’t know we had and began the trip home. With about six feet of tree hanging out of the back of the truck. On the busiest shopping day of the year. Lots of cars. Lots of traffic.

Arrive home, tree stand is already set up and the bottom of the tree stump is prepped to be loaded into said stand. Small problem. Tree is too tall. We have 12’ ceilings (11’ 9” but you get the idea). Because it took four of them to bring the tree in we decide against hauling it back outside and cut branches and another 12” off the bottom of the tree and the two tall spikey things at the top. Little full, lots of sap. But it fit. Barely.

Amidst all of the grumbling and complaining which I work hard to not let irritate me (all part of the experience), I kept reminding myself that some day, the kids will look back on this and be grateful. Not necessarily for the experience but more so the memory. The tradition. And the importance of that tradition and the other traditions that we have done our best to lay out for them over the course of the past 18 years. So for my three little complainers, grumblers, whiny goosies - I hope you take a minute to read this and let it marinate. Because this one, my children, this one is for the three of you.

Tradition

By definition, my girl Merriam says that tradition is “the handing down of information, beliefs and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction.” Kind of like monkey see, monkey do but over the course of time. Tradition is a way of expressing our values, our lifestyle, our way of doing things to our children and hoping that they take the best of the best from those values, visual tools for their toolbox later in life.

And it’s not so much about those tangible traditions but, most importantly, the intangible traditions. Those are the sweet spot. Those gifts that our children find annoying are in fact a grounding point. A safe place of familiarity in an unfamiliar place to land. Draw comfort. Something as inconsequential as tromping through the woods to find the ‘perfect’ tree so we can just get home will some day resonate with them. As they are placating a spouse of their own who wants that perfect tree for their family. Or as they are patiently explaining over and over again to a child that green is green and not red. Or answering the same question yet again from an elderly parent with dementia. There is life value in that tradition.

Tradition Importance

As I said, there is a lot of value in the traditions within our families. It does teach about patience and process. That not everything in life is to be hurried through in our rush to get to the next thing. That experiences create memories and those memories provide us with emotional history. And that history is something that binds us to one another, that is individual to us. And at the end of our time on this merry-go-round, if we can leave our children with one thing it is to carry on ‘us’, those things, those traditions that are special to our family. Tradition is how we are a part of our ancestors, those in our families that came before us.

Tradition Chez Moi

I think to understand the ‘why’ behind the whole Christmas tree experience, you really have to understand my history of getting a tree. Growing up, our house was decorated to the nines. The living room was decked out with tinsel and decorations, beautifully coordinated, everything balanced each other out. The decorations usually carried some sort of theme - either a carryover from last year or my mom might’ve changed everything up.

And the tree was really a thing of beauty. My mom would pick out the tree that she wanted from the Optimus club. Each ornament carefully and thoughtfully placed. The tree might be white flocked, pink lights and all poinsettias and gold decorations. It might be green with white lights and all silver bells and white doves. Point is, the tree every year could legitimately be placed in House Beautiful. Had the look and perfection of a professionally decorated Christmas tree. Super super beautiful.

And my mom did all the decorating. We might be allowed to sit and watch but you didn’t ask questions, you didn’t distract from the process of the decorating. And the option to help was not an option. My mom wanted things a certain way and that was the way they were going to be. She had her vision. Pot, kettle, black. I get that 1000%.

Flash forward to me and my life. Our first house, I was the same same. Tree was themed (blue, white and silver if I’m not mistaken) and, in fact, my mom made us a Christmas album with the same colors. This carried on for a couple of years. Eventually, as the kids got older they wanted to help. I would give them a coupe of ornaments and instruct them exactly where to place them. And it would be stressful and I would be agitated because the tree would be bottom heavy with ornaments and when they weren’t looking I would move the ornaments to where I wanted them. And they would come back to the tree later looking for their ornaments that weren’t there and heaven forbid - they would TOUCH the tree. Which would make me not happy.

Not happy.

I finally woke up and realized that that was NOT the tradition I wanted to give my children. One that made me not happy. They weren’t going to change - I had to change.

Every year we give the kids an ornament as do their grandparents. What good were the ornaments if they weren’t to be cherished? Remembered? All these ornaments that the kids have made for us in pre-school and elementary school? Family ornaments? All of this is not about me…it is about US.

So yes - I make them go help to pick out the tree even though I am that one that decides on the tree. Because it is something we get to do as a family. It is a memory that someday when they have kids of their own they will say, “Your nana used to make us tromp through the woods for hours to find the perfect tree…blah blah blah…” Give children of their own OUR family history.

And yes - they help decorate the tree. Rob hands them ornaments and they place the ornaments where they want. Brat #2 decided to sit on the side of the couch and place all of his on one side, complaining the whole time. Fine. This year that is his side of the tree and I am choosing to be okay with that. Goosey number 1 complained about the ribbon not being right on the left side of the tree. I ignored it until I walked into the family room this am and was like…that ribbon looks terrible on the left side of the tree. And with a broom, a kitchen chair and a prayer - fixed it. And my baby boy child that is no longer a baby must’ve asked five million times, “Are we done yet?”

And decorating the tree with their grandparents solidified that we have done it right. Their grandparents got so much joy going back through the history of the ornaments that they had given them, that they had gifted their son and his wife. They got to see that yes - they matter, they are a part of their lives. Of their grandchildren’s history. To see my mother-in-law’s face light up as we threw the glitter on the tree - that’s a memory I’ll treasure.

And the tree - it’s not perfect. A little too big probably, a little in your face. Lots of sap, overly glittered, ribbon askew, the tree topper tilted because there really isn’t the room at the top of the tree. Some of the lights are literally dripping off the tree and don’t anyone dare look at the back side of the tree…

It. Is. Perfection.

Hold on to those traditions. Don’t stop doing what you’re doing just because there is grumbling and complaining. There is much to be said for forced family fun. Be willing to modify where necessary and realize that sometimes the passing down of traditions means that you mold them to suit the needs of your family. But carry on with them nonetheless. Because some day, if you’re lucky, your goslings will carry them on, changing them and keeping them the same, passing on those traditions. And what greater gift is there than that…