This life will go by

June 27, 2018. An average Wednesday, almost nearing the end of the month. Fourth of July around the corner, grad parties are winding down and summer is legit in full swing. And because it has felt like such a long spring and our schedules are finally coming into some semblance of order - I am so ready.

For me, however, today is not so average. You see, 20 years ago today, around 5:30 pm MST, I was walking down the aisle. Getting married. Taking that big leap of faith, fairy tale wedding, Prince Charming waiting for me at the alter. 20 years ago today. Crazy, right? Whole lotta crazy, I’ll tell you. A lot.

And the past 20 years have flown by. At times they’ve gone by at a snail’s pace. As life has a way of letting you know whom exactly is in charge, the knowledge that I’ve gained has been significant. Life altering. More often than not humbling. I have grown up with my Rob. I am so different from the woman I was when I became his wife - I would like to think so much better. Evolved into whom I was meant to be and where I am headed. It has been a journey.

In the blink of an eye

I had to write about our anniversary because well, I think 20 years is a big milestone. Something to be proud of. And something that Rob and I have EARNED. With that being said, I told Rob that I wanted one thing from him for our anniversary. Via text. I got back “?” because we are not gift exchangers. I told him I was going to write a blog about 20 things I’ve learned in 20 years of marriage and what I wanted from him was a list of 20 things he’s learned in 20 years. And he said, “Okay.” Cheap enough, right?

Here’s the thing - I have not read his list. It’s done because he went to show it to me and I said no way - the first time I read it will be when I write my post. I didn’t want to be influenced by anything that he had written, wanted it to be authentic and from the heart. What better gift (I hope) could I ask for after 20 years as husband and wife…so as you read, do so knowing that his words were as much of a surprise and a gift to me as they hopefully will be to some of you. From the ground up, this is our story.

How we met

I’ll keep this short and sweet because there’s not much to tell. Rob and I met on January 3, 1997 in a bar. The Black Rose in Boston. I was out with two people I had set up on a blind date and we made our way after several scorpion bowls to The Black Rose. There was this guy, Eugene Byrne, that I told them they had to hear. I’m trying to distance myself from the lovebirds, giving them space and I spot this guy across the bars. Full of liquid courage, I give him my moo eyes and finally get a two finger wave around his beer bottle. My friend promptly jumps on the situation and walks over to Rob, there with his three buddies, and says,”So you going to come meet my friend or what?” He did. And that was all it took.

I called my mom the next morning and said I met the man I’m going to marry. Given that I had sworn to NEVER get married (series of affairs and raise a pack of dogs was my life’s ambition), this came as quite a shock to my parents. Thirteen days after we met, Rob and I were sitting in the Ground Round in Framingham and he asked what are we going to do about 'this' - 'this' being us. I told him I guess he’d have to marry me and make an honest woman out of me. He said, “I guess so.” Right then and there we pulled out my checkbook and picked June 27, 1998 as the day that we would get married. And that’s exactly what we did.

But I wouldn't want to spend it without you by my side

Things moved at a rapid pace and within our first year of marriage we bought a house, had a baby five days before our first wedding anniversary and had a major job change. Things that all significantly impact every marriage. Three children, two houses and ten dogs later, we reach the 20 year mile marker today. It has been a journey. And a life we built from the ground up.

20 Things We’ve Learned in 20 Years

Marriage teaches you a lot. A lot about yourself, a lot about your spouse, a lot about life. And I don’t know many couples our age that have been together for as long as we have. Right, wrong or slightly cray cray - it’s all here.

Hallie’s 20 Things

I will remind you that I wrote all these before seeing Rob's list. A little insight to our imperfect union.

1.

Whomever is driving the car picks the radio station. This is significant for every relationship. The driver of the bus gets to choose the music and there’s no complaining. Unless I am not the one driving. And in such cases, the passenger chooses the music.

2.

Say I love you every day. At times it was through clenched teeth, at times written in a text because you didn’t trust your voice or with a cheerful little finger wave behind their back. But the words have been overused in our lifetime and I’m grateful for that.

3.

Be right or be happy. We have a little Schumaker saying - Happy Dad, No One Sad. There are times when I choose to be happy over being right. Actually happens A LOT but I do like being happy and when Rob gets heated his accent makes him challenging to understand so I just smile and nod and pick my battles…

4.

Don’t bring up the past. If we’ve already fought about it, thrown down the gauntlet, discussed it and rehashed it, we bury it. That’s not to say that certain things don’t cross my mind from time to time that I’d like to bring up but I squash it. It’s not fair to the other person and it keeps you in a vicious circle. Once it’s over and done, it’s over and done.

5.

Be good friends. Being in love is fabulous but there is so much to be said about being in like. I love him more than anything but I like him too. Love will not sustain you if the like is not there.

The clouds are gonna roll

6.

Don’t try to change them. You cannot change someone that does not want to change. Period. Rob has inspired me to be a better version of me, to want more for myself, to change for reasons that are personal to me. But that man has never asked nor expected me to change based off of his own agenda.

7.

Make changes to their wardrobe when they are hunting. If you do it a little bit at a time they don’t notice. A few pairs of old man black socks here, a couple t-shirts from the 80’s there, you get the idea. The hunting trip is also a great time to purge the basement of ‘collectibles’ like the mounted deer head collecting dust, paint bedrooms that ‘don’t need to be painted’ and all those other tasks that one deems important and the other deems not so much. (Remember - Happy Dad, No One Sad?)

8.

Tackle big projects together. Oh Lord have we done this fifty thousand times together in 20 years. Retaining walls, planting trees, a foundation for the air conditioning units (I’m not joking), you name it - we’ve done it. We do them for the most part together. Yes, we do argue and have very different ways of going about things - one of us logical, one of us more by the seat of her pants. There is a lot of satisfaction in that, doing something as a team.

9.

Have your own independence. I can’t be Rob’s everything. He can’t be my everything. He is absolutely my partner in life but I have to be able to have my space just as he needs his.

10.

There is no ‘I’ in us. I am hands down my own person. But before ‘I’ will always come ‘us’ and without question, my Rob is the very definition of that. We are each other’s common goal and there is no stronger foundation for a solid marriage than that.

11.

Hold hands and hug often. The power of human touch is so underestimated. Hold each other’s hand. Give them a hug. That touch can alter their day.

12.

Support their cause. If they believe in something, want to try something, have a dream or a vision - support them. Show an interest, learn, give them your time and your attention to something that matters to them.

The earth's gonna shake

13.

Personal hygiene should be kept just that - personal. And that’s all I have to say about that.

14.

Don’t use the D word as a threat. Early on in our marriage, I would get mad and say we should just get divorced. Yes, not particularly proud of that. And I remember a wise woman telling me once that the D word is just not something that you throw around like confetti. Repetition becomes habit - that’s a bad habit to have in a marriage.

15.

Slamming doors is a great way to get your point across. I love to slam doors. Stomp my feet. If I’m not feeling heard, no one’s offering to help, acknowledging that I’ve walked in and out of the room fifty times ignoring you but wanting your attention - I simply slam a door. Or several. Very effective method of communicating and gets me attention rather quickly.

16.

Overuse the words 'Thank You'. Thank you for turning on the outside lights for me. Thank you for picking up my prescription. Thank you for offering to help. Thank you for remembering that today was important. You can never thank your spouse enough.

17.

Have each other’s back. There have been times in my life where I’ve put my foot in my mouth, times when others have done me wrong, times when I’ve done the wrong doing. And same goes for Rob. And I’ll tell you what - no matter what, that man has my back. As I have his. Anyone that knows me knows one thing - come after me? I can handle it. Go after my Rob and you’ll wish you hadn’t. We are a package deal.

18.

In sickness and in health, they are yours. Care for them when they are sick. Yes, even when it is a man cold. Nurture them, nurse them, sit upstairs and read a book in the other room so that your wife will stop crying when she has the flu. Marriage is not just about the good times - it’s the not so good times, when you’re down and out, sick and tired, too many bills and not enough bank - those are the times that bind you together.

19.

Making them smile, belly laugh, be silly - make it a priority. Life is so serious, hard at times. There is nothing I love more than seeing my Rob genuinely smile, laugh or let his hair down and be a little silly, be full of joy.

But I'll be your shelter through the wind and the rain

20.

Marriage is no fairy tale. Y’all, I went into marriage thinking it was going to be a cake walk. I mean I knew that we would have our share of bumps in the road but never did I think it was going to be as much work, hard work, back breaking gut wrenching work as what it is. It is easy to give up - trust me, there are days I know that Rob and I both considered throwing in the towel. But it’s the hard work that makes it so rewarding.

Rob’s 20 Things

Again - this is the first I saw of his list. A lot of laughter, a lot of tears, a lot of surprises. And it is far and away the BEST anniversary gift he has ever given me.

1.

Let her have the remote. Sometimes.

2.

When it comes to an argument with your wife, you can choose to be right or successful. Most times I should choose to be successful. But sometimes my inner demons make me choose to be right.

3.

Our taste in TV shows only lines up about 15% of the time. The rest of the time, one of us is suffering in silent agony. Choose to suffer sometimes. But sometimes “real housewives of…” is too much and it’s good to have more than one TV.

4.

It really doesn’t matter how attractive you think she is. If she doesn’t feel it herself, she wont believe you. You have to help her see herself the way you do. One tiny bit at a time.

5.

Tenderness matters. A hard lesson I haven’t completely learned yet is that there is a significant difference between physical and emotional tenderness. You have to work at each piece of the puzzle.

And we'll build this love from the ground up

6.

Encourage her to develop her own interests but not as a means to get rid of her, but to help her grow.

7.

Support her goals, even the bad choice ones. She’s going to do them anyway and support will make the journey more enjoyable.

8.

They don’t like specific body parts as much as we do. They don’t even like that we like them as much as we do.

9.

Wives are complicated. Staying happily married is sometimes like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. At night. On top of a moving train. While balancing on one foot.

10.

If you have kids, make them the center of your joint universe. Spend time together being involved in their lives.

For worse or for better

11.

Times change. Friends will come and go. Kids will grow up, have their own lives. Work will ebb and flow. Be the anchor for each others’ life. Be the fixed point for each other. Let your relationship help provide continuity in a constantly changing world.

12.

It’s a lifeboat. If you take too many people on board, it’ll sink. Ours is a five person boat. Focus your time and energy on keeping the boat afloat and moving in the right direction. You can’t save everyone. And trying to can negatively impact the ones who really matter. Sometimes you have to save her from herself.

13.

Develop and share an interest in physical fitness together. Let her know that you see her progress and that you appreciate it. “Glistening” is attractive but she needs to hear it.

And I will be all you need

14.

Just like we do, they age. The shiny new bride will, over the years develop a “patina”. It is a gift of a life lived and a family raised. It’s not something to be fought. Enjoy the journey and let her know that you still see that bride every time you look at her.

15.

Think before you speak. Even saying “sure, I’d love to” doesn’t work. Especially if you say it with an annoyed undertone.

16.

Money problems suck. There’s most likely never enough to go around. Accept it beforehand. Work with her to develop a joint plan that both can accept and live with.

17.

The things that “work” for you, may or may not “work” for her. See #8. I think there has to be a middle ground where both give and both take. Try to find out what “works” for her and make that a priority.

18.

Develop a shared vision of how you will conduct family business. How you will raise the kids. What values your family unit will value over others. Being on the same page before things get hard can minimize some issues.

19.

Family first. Always.

20.

Happy wife. Happy life.

20 Years Today

In our wedding vows, Rob and I vowed to love, honor and protect one another. Back then, it was hard to know what exactly that meant. Well, today, 20 years later, I get it.

I vow to love him on the days when he is not very lovable. To love the best parts of him and the parts that make me want to pull out my hair strand by strand. I promise to love him on the days when I struggle to love myself. To love him when his body is stooped and his skin is wrinkled and thin and his dentures fall out. I will love him in orthopedic shoes and knee high white socks, gnarled fingers holding mine as we shuffle in for the blue hair special at 4:00 pm. And be as ever proud to be his bride as I was on June 27, 1998.

Beside you I'll stand through the good and the bad

I vow to honor him by giving him the best version of myself every day - because that man deserves nothing less than my best. I will do my best to honor our commitment to our family and to each other by being a wife and a mom they are proud of. I will honor his job always, his commitment to service, his integrity as a man and his role of father to our children. His friendship I will treasure and honor exactly for what it is - a treasured friendship that I am honored to be a partner in.

I vow to protect him with my life. No one, and I mean no one, will ever threaten his livelihood, his family, his life without the understanding that they will answer to me. I will protect all that he holds dear, fighting til the end to ensure that what matters most in the world to him stays intact. When he walks out the door, I pray that the powers that be will protect him and bring him home safe to his family - knowing that his first priority is to protect those around us and that his vow to serve and protect must come first.

We'll give all that we have

June 27, 2018. 20 years of learning and growing, living and loving, falling apart and coming back together, slamming doors, laughter and memories, blood, sweat and tears and hard work. I thought I loved him the day that I got married but I realize now that what I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel now. How incredibly lucky and blessed I was to find a man that not only wants to be on this journey with me but one that wants to help me grow and become the best version of myself possible. My better half, my best friend, one of the four things I did right in my life.

So here’s to us - Happy 20th Anniversary! I can’t wait to see what the next 20 will bring!

And we'll build this love from the ground up...