Thank You For Being a Friend

Posted by Hallie S. on Aug 21st 2018

You've got a friend in me. You've got a friend in me.

Y’all know how much I love my family. I post about it, I blog about them, I talk about them. In fact, you’re all probably tired about hearing about my family. But they are a significant part of my life, that lifeboat of five and needed just as much as I need air to breathe. They are for sure my purpose, my foundation, that driving force that gets me out of bed in the morning (plus the promise of coffee) and most definitely what I am most grateful for when I lay my head down at night…some nights more than others but you get the idea.

What I don’t talk as much about but what is so vital in my life are my friends. Let me tell you - I’ve got some friends that are amaza-balls! Really truly great people that are in my life that impact me in a variety of different ways. And that got me thinking about how important the role of friend is in our life - so completely and totally different than the role of family and in some ways so much the same. I’ve got em, I love em, I value them. So to all my friends out there - this one I write for you.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

If you think back to when you were in grade school versus to where you are in your life now, whom we call friend in our life changes. Our needs change as we grow and evolve and it only makes sense that what we are looking for in a friend is altered as well.

Childhood Pals

When we are littles, our needs as friends are pretty simple. You live in the same neighborhood, your parents hang out together, you are pals at daycare. At a younger age, pretty much whomever is in your proximity we often label as a friend. As our kids become a little more social and they start entering school, clique’s begin to form and groups begin to form and as their charming little personalities develop so does their pecking order of friends. The desire to be popular, to be a part of a certain social group starts impacting self-esteem and how kids identify with themselves and one another. I think I’d be happiest at age three, eating paste with the kid next to me, thinking everyone is cool.

When the road looks rough ahead

Tweens and Teens - BFF’s

Oh the lovely adolescent and young adult years where we want to be the mirror image of our friends. Don’t want to stand out because we could lose friends. Don’t want to be a carbon copy because we could lose friends. Mean girls get to be mean, bullies get to bully and it’s okay because that power is what we want to emulate. Gross, right? It really isn’t until we start to forge out on our own and as we near the end of our high school careers that we start to cultivate friendships that no longer mirror us but rather compliment the values and attributes that we value. Hard pass on revisiting those years.

20’s - Adulting Friendships

In our 20’s, we are coming out of our college years and starting off on our career path. Although we may still have a few stragglers from our high school and college days, often times our friendships start to change based off of where we live and where we work. Hanging out with colleagues that are in the trenches with you, a neighbor across the hall, whatever it may be - we start to connect with those that we have the most in common with. We have hopefully evolved considerably and it’s just the nature of the beast that our friendships would evolve as well.

30’s - Bonded by Parenthood

Oh the lovely 30’s. I grade them right there with my teen years. This is the point in our friendship span where we start to learn whom our friends are and whom they aren’t - adult style. I say start because I believe this leaks into the 40’s as well. Regardless, our friendships are typically somewhat connected by parenthood. Mom’s that go to know each other at play dates or through school functions, dad’s that hang out at sports together because their kids are on the same team, parents of kids you coach, coaches of kids you parent - you get the idea. This is a time where our common bond is our rugrats and through them we find other common bonds.

And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed

As I said earlier, I think this is also when you start learning whom your friends are. And whom is not really a friend. Our tolerance for gossip and pettiness (imagine mean girls all grown up) is not what it was when we were teens and instead of saying nothing, all of a sudden some of us adults have a backbone. I had a lot of friends in my 30’s and I lost almost every single one of them over the course of five or six years. Like shedding a snake skin. Sorry not sorry because the few that I did keep - well, let's just say they are the cream of the crop in my eyes!

40’s - Clean up my Circle

I think you really come into your own in your 40’s. A lot of the baggage that we carry around we have a tendency to start letting it drop away. And a lot of that baggage often revolves around our friendships. Relationships that are toxic. People that don’t bring something positive to our life. In our 40’s our tolerance for that kind of behavior dwindles and it’s easier to walk away with the knowledge that the situation most likely won’t change so you have to make those changes for yourself. Time is a precious commodity so we spend it a little more wisely with people that positively impact us, being fairly secure in whom we are and not needing or being dependent on friendships for validation.

The 5 Roles of Friendship

Our friends wear a lot of different hats. Lots of em. And not every friend in your life wears the same hat as the next guy. And each role in it’s own right is indispensable. Mind you there are lots of friendship hats - I just picked the five that for me are the most relevant in my life.

Companion

There are those friends out there that are our go-to friends. Up for anything. Ready for anything at a moments notice. They are easy, breezy, beautiful to be around. Typically our companions are a close friend, a bestie that knows you inside and out, which makes hanging with them a piece of cake.

You just remember what your old pal said

Motivator

Everyone needs a friend that is a motivator. Someone that can kick you in the pants, give you that push to give just a little more. The friend that gets you off the couch, in the gym, that last rep, that holds you accountable to life. A motivator knows your trigger, what to say and when to say it. They are invaluable, priceless and necessary.

You've got a friend in me

Supporter

We all need that friend that supports us. A little different than having your back, a supporter is not necessarily there to help you fight your battles but more so to give you the support you need. Often times our supporters is a mentor, someone that we've known for a significant period of time and/or have invested a lot of ourselves in and vice versa.

If you've got troubles I've got em too

Confidante

Our secret keepers, our confidantes give us advice and perspective. Call them your own personal Dr. Phil or Dear Abby, our secrets are safe with our confidantes and they know us well enough to know which advice we are going to take and what we are going to think is unreasonable. It’s a judgement free zone.

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you

Defender

The defenders in our life - those are the friends that go to the mat for you. These people not only have your back they have your voice if you’re not around to use it. Tried and true, our defender friends will defend you when you’re not around to defend yourself.

We stick together and can see it through

I’ll Be There For You

It took me a long time to understand the concept of girlfriends. Wasn’t really something I understood or grasped. Like everyone else, I evolved over time and have started and ended many friendships in my life. When we moved into our new home and the kids were little, I was desperate to connect with the other moms that lived around us. We all had kids the same age, we were all the same age, so on and so forth. That fairy tale lasted a couple of years and as the kids grew and went into school and changed, well, we changed too. My desperation to have friends where I lived died a quick death as my role of defender became of greater importance.

Sports and coaching brought a lot of great people into my life and many friendships were formed in my mid to late 30’s and early 40’s. Parents quickly became friends and my house was typically bursting at the seams with extra gear, players, siblings, parents, friends. And, as happens with time and friendships, when you strip away that common bond, take out the factor that brought you all together, in some cases you are just left with empty space. Many of those friendships fizzled as my role of supporter superseded my need to have connections.

My friendship journey continued evolving as I stumbled into my 40’s, grateful to leave the 30’s behind me. Close bonds were formed with a few women, people that I considered part of my inner circle. But time can be a cruel beast and as time went on and I was moving forward, the friendships and the relationships were not so much. And sometimes too much is too much - my friendships combusted yet my role of companion continued to grow stronger and deeper.

I’d like to say I have many that I consider a friend at the gym. It’s my go to place - like walking into Cheers. No corner spot at the bar (although I do still think that should be put in the suggestion box) but I certainly feel at home and surrounded by positivity there. And it’s where I shine and am most happy in my role of motivator.

And I left out confidante. Because that’s so hard to put into words. It’s the one hat I’ve worn for over 40 years. Family can be friends too and, I’ll tell you what - I hit the jackpot. Five years younger, I’ve been close to my brother for my entire life. He is my judgement free zone. The fact that we are not only family but work together and are as close as we are is virtually unheard of. One of the things I miss most about home is him yet despite the miles we manage to stay close. Not just a brother but one of my best friends and confidantes. And I am totes a lucky girl.

Cause you've got a friend in me