Cause you'll be in my heart

I sit here today, at a desk where I’ve written thousands of words. Probably tens of thousands of words if not more. Sun is shining, lots of little birdies tweeting and chirping, dogs at my feet. And still I ponder how to convey, how to reach, how to assemble the words in a way that will explain what it means to me to be a mom…

I have defined myself for almost 19 years by motherhood. That’s almost half of my life. It has shaped the woman I am, the friend I am, the writer I am. It has given me gray hairs, screaming headaches, a broken body. It has filled my eyes with tears on more occasions than what I can count, given me wrinkles around my mouth from laughter, made my arms warm from so many hugs, legs and shoulders strong from the burdens I’ve carried. And my heart…well, being a mom has overflowed my heart with so much love at times, so much gratitude that I simply don’t even have room to breathe. Yes, I have given every ounce of myself to being a mom to my children. And then some.

Yes, you'll be in my heart

So today, for all the moms out there, those that have inspired me, cajoled me, taught me, tolerated me, raised me up, picked me up, cheered me up, wiped my tears, held my hand, been my friend and, most importantly, to my own mom, this one is for you.

The Many Roles of Mom

We all know that our moms take on a variety of roles. Fun fact - I looked up on the all knowing google dictionary “the definition of mom” and I had to laugh at the definition: one’s mother. Oh dear - let me educate you, google. Let me give you a mom-cation on the role of dear sweet mommy.

Healer

Our mom’s are healers. They kiss our boo boo’s, put bandaids on our owies, scare away the boogie man. They wipe our running noses, take our temps, dole out medication and know when we need a cool washcloth on our heads. They are purveyors of ice packs, heating pads, foot massagers (gross) and forehead strokers. Our moms know how to make us feel better and to this day, when I’m sick, the one person I want is my mom.

Enforcer

Many moms I know, myself included, they are the enforcer. They enforce the rules, the chores, the homework and all the little in between things that need to get done in order to help our goslings turn in to contributors at home and, hopefully, society. My kids may be able to slide a few things past their father, they may be able to get out of some discipline with him but rarely with me.

From this day on

Writer

I laugh at this one because every mom dreads all the writing she has to do. The endless school forms, school notes, permission slips. Let’s not forget spelling words, signatures, to do lists, grocery lists, birthday cards and thank you notes. Our moms spend a great deal of time writing and then writing some more, giving facts and okays and reminders so that their children have what they need to get through life as they know it.

Motivator/Cheerleader

There is no bigger cheerleader and/or motivator for a child than their mom. Like legit. You see them in the stands, on the sidelines, slightly on the outskirts, decked out in gear of every fashion, all in support of their child. There is no one better than mom when it comes to cheering for their kids, motivating them to do their best, giving them a nonstop verbal rally cry to get the job done. And maybe to knock that kid down over there. Yeah, that one that HURT MY BABY! Our mommies - they rock when it comes to being our number one fan!

Now and forever more

Educator

Moms show us how to do stuff. A lot. Repeatedly. With a lot of nagging. Emptying the garbage, washing dishes, using the washing machine. Following a recipe, where’s the power button for the vacuum, why do I need to change my socks, where’s my favorite t-shirt. They not only have the answers to the questions we’ve asked 1000 times, they educate us, share their knowledge so that eventually we won’t have to ask the question and can take care of ourselves. They educate us on manners (no milk is not meant to be consumed from the carton), educate us on hygiene (three squirts of cologne is two too many) and educate us on life (this too will pass). Our moms are quite the scholar and they love sharing all they know (and then some) with us. All the time.

Sorcerer

I was going to say magician but as long as I’m going with the ‘er’ theme, I switched it to sorcerer. Our moms are magic and man, they can make things happen. Clean game uniforms, practice 5 minutes early, brownies for the bake sale, button sewn on, project supplies - you name it and somehow, some way - our moms make that stuff come together. I’ve had more things thrown at me last minute, instances where everyone needs something at the same time and they forgot to tell me and somehow, some way - I make it happen for them. That’s not to say with a considerable amount of swearing and stomping and slamming doors…but I make it come together for them 9.8 times out of ten.

Defender

Anyone that knows me knows one thing for certain. Say or do what you want to me. I can handle that. Mess with my Rob or my children however - that’s another story. I will defend my children until my dying breath. That is not to say that I won’t hold them accountable because I do and will continue to do so. But come for them unjustly, make them uncomfortable unnecessarily, hurt them - I draw the line. You ain’t seen nothing like a mama bear protecting her cubs.

You'll be in my heart

Driver

I am at the end of the road somewhat with this one but, man, I spent a lot of years in the car. Hockey practices at the ends of the earth at ungodly hours. Football practices at different fields. Lacrosse games, wrestling meets, laundry grabbing, meal delivering, homework forgetting, hug needing - I could go on and on. I have driven more cars into the ground, 200,000 miles plus to get them where they need to go, give them what they need, be there to motivate and cheer them on. It’s a part of my life that I used to dread and now I find myself realizing that those days of driving are tapering to an end. As they take the keys from my hand and drive away without me.

Secret Keeper

I am the keeper of a lot of secrets. Well kind of because I tell Rob everything but not sure that that counts. I have been blessed with gooses that will open up their hearts and feed me a secret that they can’t hold onto any longer. A bad grade. Struggles. First loves. Dreams shattered. Hopes realized. It’s a double edged sword being a secret keeper because sometimes they are secrets that you wish you hadn’t been trusted with. But that’s part of the job description - Mom.

Peace Maker

Lord, I oughta run for president because I’ll tell you what - no one can broker a deal, keep the peace like mom. I have solved more problems, real problems like who’s turn it is to clean the bathroom or who gets the good remote for Xbox or, my absolute fav, who called front seat first. I have dashed hopes of one while the other is doing the happy dance, made friends and created enemies in a matter of 20 seconds flat and nearly stroked out getting my point across loud enough for the neighbors to hear. I have not only made peace, I’ve created peace, I’ve threatened peace or else and begged for five seconds of quiet, joyful, open-your-mouth-one-more-time-and-you’re-grounded-for-life peace.

No matter what they say

I could go on for days but you get the picture. Our moms wear a lot of different hats, take on a lot of different roles in our lives. And I’ll tell you, being a mom has taught me a lot. Humbled me. Shamed me at times. Lifted me up to the highest points in my life. Reminded me just how precious life is.

Lessons I’ve Learned

To say that being a mom has been a learning experience is putting it mildly. I have learned so much along the way and thought I'd impart some of that wisdom.

You don’t always like your children. Sorry. They are amazing and wonderful and sweet and all things good. And they can also be not so much. Bratty, demanding, petty, mean. I love my children always. But there are days, there are moments where I don’t like them very much. And that’s not something to beat yourself up about. Trust me when I tell you there are days they don’t like you very much either.

You will fail as a mother. Yeah, I have not been a perfect mom. At times, far from it. There have been moments in my time as a mom where I have been a bad example, chosen a punishment that didn’t fit the crime, held my children to a higher standard than what was necessary. There have been times when I wasn’t there for them - whether I was consumed with one of the others, consumed with myself, consumed with life. And yes - I have sleepless nights at times when I allow myself to be consumed with ‘what if’. The bottom line is we can’t be everything to them all the time - no matter how hard we try.

For one so small you seem so strong

Your gut instinct is usually right. There are times when my gut is telling me to listen up. Phone calls that are outside the ordinary, a look in their eye when they come home from school, certain nuances that we know as a mom that something is up. I have learned to tune in to my gut instinct and trust it. Because what’s the worst? They are annoyed with me for nagging them. That’s an every day occurrence in my house so who cares. But most times, something comes out that they’ve been holding inside.

Car rides are cheap therapy. Many a car ride I have learned things about my children. The music they like to listen to. My old time music they know the lyrics to. Friendship drama. Relationship challenges. Fears. Heartache. Frustrations. And so much laughter. And silliness. And healing. As kids grow and challenges and life changes for them and for us, I’ve found that many a problem can be worked out, sometimes even solved, on a car ride.

My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm

Don’t apologize for whom you are as a mom. I am not an easy mom to have. I know that. And when we suffered a lot of heat, a lot of criticism when our first went away to boarding school, it was heartbreaking for me as a person and as a mother. What people failed to realize is that letting them go is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I gave them roots so that they would be brave enough to use their wings. And to let them fly at 14 or 15 years of age - that wasn’t what I wanted. It was what they individually worked for. What they earned. It has never been about me - if it was they never would have left.

Being a Mom

I am at such a different phase as a mom - a little bit in limbo. I got married in June of 1998 and we had roommates up until we bought our first house in October of 1998. We lived there for six months before Rob left for the State Police Academy in March of 1999. He lived there Monday thru Friday and by the time he got home Friday night, there was not much left of him mentally, physically and emotionally for me. Lexi was born in June of 1999 when Rob still had 9 weeks left and then CJ 17 months later followed by Jax two years after that. Three goslings 3 years old and under. My life was my children and has been for 19 years.

My daughter - she truly is a delight. I look at the woman she is and I am in awe. She is bright and articulate, funny and engaging, smart and knowledgeable. Driven and passionate. Forgiving and accepting. My Lex, she is tenacious and brave in a way that I never was. I look at her and I still see that little girl that used to tell me red was green and green was red. I have enjoyed becoming her friend in the past year and watching her open up her arms to what is out there in the world.

This bond between us

That oldest son of mine - he truly has changed so much. No longer a little boy, I was unprepared to have a man for my son. Loyal, devoted, hard working, honorable - he embodies all of those and so much more. He has softened to a degree and become a little more forgiving of others and understanding that his standards are not the same standards that everyone needs to be measured by. CJ can still send me from 0-60 in a matter of seconds just as when he was a little boy but some things simply never change. I have seen him smile more, worry a little less and for that - I am grateful. He needs more silly in his life.

Can't be broken

And my little, my youngest. He is no longer little. Walking away from him this August will be one of the hardest things I will have ever done. Jax remains to be one of the kindest people I know, has the same twinkle in his eye that he has had from day one. He is loving and dedicated and has never once wavered from whom he is. Watching him come into his own this year has been a gift and without question, it is his time to go and do great things.

I will be here

I Love You This Big

As we roll into Mothers Day weekend, I leave you with these thoughts. To all the moms out there - I wish you a day that is filled with all the love and gratitude you are deserving of.

To my own Mom, you are the very woman by whom I measure myself by. Your strength, your love, your never-ending faith in me, your devotion to your family continues to inspire me to give the best of myself to my family. I wish I could be there in person to give you a hug but know that across the miles, I send you my love.

And you'll be in my heart

To all the moms that share my life - thank you. I could go on and on about the Tracys and the Heathers, the Pams and TanDees and Cindys and Kates, the Denises and Dawns, Amys and Kims, Colleens and Karens and countless other women that have made a difference in my life. Not just as a mom but as a woman and as a friend. I wish you all a Mothers Day that makes you feel cherished and loved.

To my three Schumaker gooses - you have been the three greatest gifts in my life. I am proud of each of you and I hope you know that I will always and forever be a place for you to come and lay your head down. I will always take the weight of the world from your shoulders and hold it for as long as you need me to. I will have a hot meal on the table, cold milk in the fridge and clean sheets on your bed. I will hold you to the highest degree of accountability but I will remind you that this too will pass. You have and always will be the very best thing I have done “right”. And know how very grateful I am for each of you as individuals and as members of our lifeboat of five.

From this day on now and forever more

Love, Mom